When Adoptions Go Bad…

Perhaps 10, 12, maybe 15 years ago you were a foster parent who decided to become a pre-adoptive parent or went straight through the adoption process because you wanted to give a child a better life. Likely, the rights of the child’s parents were terminated and you adopted the child through the Department of Children and Families. Also, perhaps you were vaguely aware of the child’s trauma, medical and mental health history prior to the adoption being finalized. (There is a very good chance, however, that you only had cursory information and that crucial details of the child’s history were not disclosed to you.)

Fast forward to the present. You have a teenager who is now frequently out of control–one that goes from 0 to 60 in seconds, breaking things and threatening you and/or your other children or who has actually gone after you in a rage. Perhaps your child has a number of diagnoses, such as RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) or ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) that may help explain some of their behaviors but doesn’t give you any solace at this point, given that nothing seems to help and your child is now big enough to cause you and others serious bodily harm. And after trying everything, you are at your wit’s end. You know you have struggled to manage your child from the beginning, and of course, it was never easy, but you were able and willing to do whatever was necessary to get the right services in place and to continue to try to give them the best life possible. At some point along your journey you likely filed or considered filing a CRA (Child Requiring Assistance). You probably sought voluntary services through DCF. You even fended off a few bogus 51A’s and made more than one trip to the courthouse with your child who was facing A&B or Destruction of Property charges. And perhaps there was that one final incident of violence in the home that did it for you–the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. You have finally reached the breaking point. For the sake of yourself and your other children, you have made the decision to surrender your adopted child to DCF. You never thought you would even utter those words. But here you are.

I have worked with several parents over the past few years who have reached this point (thankfully these cases are rare) and who have made the extraordinarily difficult decision to sever their relationship with their adopted child. Here is what you need to know: you are likely in for a bumpy, emotionally-fraught ride but you can and will, with the right help, get through it.

You will need to execute a surrender form in triplicate (3 originals) and hand it to DCF, which is something I am quite familiar with and can handle for you. Often this will also include delivering the child to them. That sounds pretty straightforward, right? But it almost never is. Expect some serious blowback from the Department. DCF will likely push back very hard and try to convince you not to surrender your child, but to allow them to assess your family and offer services. They will try to make you feel very guilty for doing what you know you need to do.

It is crucial that you have an attorney who is well versed in DCF law and (and who is also well known to the agency) by your side when you show up at their office with your adopted child. They will likely try to scare the heck out of you and convince you to give this more time. It’s a very emotional, heart-wrenching experience and DCF doesn’t make it any easier for you. (Not unlike buying a car, unfortunately, the intake worker will likely step out of the room and get their supervisor to come in for the hard sell–to convince you to keep your kid.) Unfortunately, DCF tends to take these things personally. Remember, that child was once one of theirs and they don’t like to have to take them back later in their life because they know how hard it is going to be to find that child another ‘forever’ home–probably impossible–and the likelihood is that the child will remain in their custody until they age out of the system.

Also, even if you were one of their absolute foster and/or pre-adoptive parents, DCF will likely turn on you and file a 51A against you alleging neglect or abuse. Your child will likely accuse you of a whole assortment of things during the 51B response and the 51A will likely be supported. Sometimes DCF then files a Care & Protection petition against you and you will find yourself having explain to a Juvenile Court judge why you are surrendering your child. Next thing you know it, your child is making all sorts of demands through their newly court-appointed attorney, like formal sibling visitation, a return of property and even child support (which a judge could order, even after the surrender). And if a C&P is in fact filed, you will likely be stuck having to cooperate with the Department anyway for the indefinite future (including allowing them into your home once a month and assisting them with sibling visits and the retrieval of personal property) until the judge actually terminates your parental rights likely months later. And to put salt on the wound, if DCF did in fact file a 51A against you and supported it and you are still a foster parent or are interested in adopting another child, they will give you notice to revoke your license(s), which, of course, you can appeal. In short, surrendering a child can be a pretty messy, difficult and drawn out process, one certainly not for the faint of heart. If you are seriously considering surrendering a child I highly recommend you hire an experienced attorney, like myself, to guide you through the process and to defend you as necessary. Not only will you likely need the expertise, but it greatly helps to have someone between you and DCF and possibly a judge. JMI